WELCOME back to our exploration into all things emotional. In this issue our Emotional Health columnist Leigh Smith explores the value in creating healthy relationships.
L ET me start by stating, for the record, I do not claim to be an expert in relationships. I have both healthy and unhealthy relationships in my life. As far as the healthy relationships are concerned, I am one of life’s perpetual students, could do better, must try harder! Let’s face it, creating and maintaining healthy relationships is just not easy! Yet it is almost impossible to go through life without them. They are a fundamental ingredient in our emotional wellbeing. Daniel Goleman tells us: “When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands.” At times relationships can be toxic, and the source of much pain, confusion and sadness. Some relationships may have ended badly and left deep scars that will always be a source of pain. It can be hard to know when we are caught up in a toxic relationship, we can be so embroiled in trying to make it work that we don’t realise how much damage it is causing us. Getting out of a toxic relationship can be a real challenge, especially if our self esteem is low. There can be so much holding us back, so many reasons why we put up with something unhealthy, a fear of ending, or moving on from something we’re invested in. Looking back on your own relationships how would you rate them? Perhaps when you look back you see a trail of damage, resentment, anger and unfinished business, but don’t despair! no matter what your relationship history looks like, we can always learn how to build emotionally healthy relationships in our future. And there’s no time like the present to give our current relationships a bit of an MOT.
So, what constitutes a healthy relationship? Take a moment to think about somebody you are currently in relationship with, make it somebody that’s really important to you, a relationship that really matters.
Ask yourself: How real am I in this relationship?
Often in relationships we wear a mask, it hides the bits that we fear would not be acceptable if revealed. How ‘YOU’ are you with this person? How much of the ‘real’ you have they seen? Putting on this ‘mask’ may seem like a good idea, but keeping it in place can become exhausting and lead to resentment and insecurity. If this person doesn’t know the ‘real’ you there may be a feeling of incongruence, the relationship may feel false or performic. So maybe it’s time to test the water, let a little of your true self show. If your partner doesn’t like it then it’s best to find out sooner than later.
Does this relationship feed me?
Relationships are opportunities to grow, be challenged, and connect to another in a way which nourishes our mind, body and soul. Ask yourself if this person is connecting with you on all levels, and whether this is ok for you. Remember you are in control of how you connect to others, and how much of yourself you offer. Trust yourself to know what is right for you, and respect your own boundaries.
Am I taking responsibility for me?
Responsibility taking is a big part of being in a healthy relationship, blaming and shaming are ingredients of a toxic relationship. So perhaps you could own up when you make a mistake, apologize when you’ve gotten it wrong, be open to hearing what might be in your blind spot. But look out for the flipside of responsibility too, are you taking on board your partners issues, turning a blind eye to behaviour which is just not acceptable? Taking responsibility sometimes means making our boundaries clear and knowing when to say “no”.
Does this relationship feel balanced?
Only you can know if the balance feels right, are you feeling over stretched, put upon, or like you are carrying guilt around not being good enough, present enough, giving enough?
Communication is key
As with so many things, communication is key, there is no perfect formulae for getting it right, and the only way to know what’s right for both of you is to find a way to communicate in a healthy way. Expecting your partner to be a mind reader and ‘just know what you need’ is setting yourself up for potential self-sabotage. And it’s not just about talking, listening to what your partner has to say is so important, both listening and really hearing them will build trust and feelings of respect. Paying attention to the good stuff as well as the bad, and openly acknowledging what you appreciate in your partner may sound obvious, but don’t underestimate the therapeutic value of gratitude. Feeling valued for who we are is an emotional health tonic, and one which we could all benefit from.