THERAPIST, facilitator and writer Sapphira de la Terre explores the objectification of women that’s become so normal we often find ourselves objectifying ourselves.
WHICH is more important to you, to look good or to feel good? Do you automatically put others’ needs before your own? Which do you value more – your relationship with yourself or your relationships with others?
Objectification is so pervasive as to be almost invisible.
For millennia women have been objectified. It’s so normal that often we don’t even notice it happening. Even more pernicious is the way that it’s also become normal for women to objectify ourselves.
It seems that this objectification started when hunter gatherers began to settle down, and women became commodities, along with land and cattle. It was then reinforced by patriarchal religion, shaming women by telling us we brought evil into the world and even that women have no souls. Much of our remaining sovereignty was then stamped out by the witch hunts – hanging, burning or drowning any women who didn’t toe the line. For centuries.
So reclaiming our sovereignty – our identity as subjects of our own lives, rather than as objects in the lives of others – is an uphill struggle.
Since the dawn of feminism in the 1850’s – yes, it really was that long ago! – women have been trying to dis-identify with this objectification: to consciously name our own experience, our feelings and our needs, and to dare to express them.
One of the major challenges on this journey is in our relationships with men.
Because it’s not just women who have stereotypically been conditioned in a particular way – to be second-class citizens. Men have been similarly brainwashed for millennia, except in precisely the opposite way.
Stereotypically men have been conditioned to believe that they are superior to women, and that their own feelings, needs and experience come first.
Indeed the brainwashing that affects men and women dovetails so perfectly together that it’s difficult to even notice it happening, never mind overcome it.
To make matters even harder, most of this conditioning operates below the level of consciousness, so we’re not even aware of it. Some people – like me, for example! – would argue that the reason that the world is in such a mess at the moment is because heterosexual men have been running amok for far too long, unchecked by the feminine. Both women – and the feminine side of men – have been suppressed and silenced for thousands of years, and as a result the world is way out of balance. But consciousness is always on our side, always edging us forward. Right now, Covid is turning the world into a pressure cooker, forcing change. We’re being pushed into our homes much more, and there aren’t so many social situations to dilute our experience. Plus, most of us are also under much more pressure around work, money and health.
As a result cracks are appearing in places that we might not have noticed before. Situations that were tolerable in the past are no longer bearable. Women especially are finding ourselves standing our ground much more. And not even out of choice – just because we can no longer stomach being pushed around, patronised or objectified. I walked out of a health appointment the other day because it was meant to be for me – my body, me paying – and yet it felt like it was all about the male practitioner’s needs. And in other areas of my life as well, especially with men, things are edgy. If I feel objectified, patronised or pushed around, I can no longer put up with it. In my opinion, it’s not personal – it’s part of a much bigger picture: a necessary re-calibration between the masculine and the feminine, both within each of us internally and in our relationships with each other. Another aspect of this shift is the increasingly wide spectrum of possibilities around gender and sexuality, and more awareness that each of us has both masculine and feminine within us. What seems increasingly clear – whether you identify as male, female or somewhere between the two – is that it’s no longer enough to be a satellite in someone else’s existence. It’s time for each of us to be the star of our own movies, rather than allowing ourselves to be cast in a supporting role.
• Sapphira de la Terre is a therapist, writer and workshop facilitator. In addition to seeing clients, and running workshops (www.sapphira.com) she is also launching a free online micro life coaching programme called Sacred Inquiry.
In these social-media-dominated times, we’re constantly objectifying ourselves and comparing ourselves to others. It’s time for each of us to look within and to ask ourselves what truly matters to us and what we really want. This is what Sacred Inquiry is about.’ Search for Sacred Inquiry on Facebook. (Apologies to the people who checked out the page last month – like everything else right now, it’s taken slightly longer than expected.)