WELCOME back to our exploration into all things emotional. In this edition our Emotional Health columnist LEIGH SMITH, explores the value of resilience, and how we harness this life skill.
“This is too painful, I can’t cope” and “when will this end?”
I often hear such heartwrenching comments from clients who feel unable to go on. The feeling of not being able to cope in the face of adversity is a common one. Most of us, at some point in our lives, will feel totally beaten by the world. How we move out of this place and bring our lives back on track differs from person to person. Some manage to bounce back more readily than others. Some even learn and gain strength from the struggle.
“No one escapes pain, fear, and suffering. Yet from pain can come wisdom, from fear can come courage, from suffering can come strength – if we have the virtue of resilience.” – Eric Greitens
The vital ingredient is resilience. Having resilience doesn’t make the problems go away, but it can help you adapt so you can cope and keep functioning. When we lack resilience it can drive us to adopt unhealthy and destructive coping strategies. We may see ourselves as victims. Many times I find myself agreeing with clients that “it’s not fair”. We don’t all have the same chances in life to feel supported and cherished, we haven’t all been encouraged to see obstacles as challenges to overcome, and we don’t all feel the inner security of knowing that we can cope. I believe resilience is the inner voice that says: ‘keep going, don’t give up, I believe in you’ I hear myself repeating this to clients often and holding the belief for them until a time when they can embody it for themselves. So much of the psychological pain we feel comes from resisting emotions that we believe could destroy us. The irony is that this takes more effort than simply allowing ourselves to contact our pain, and ‘be with’ that which we fear. This need to resist is a powerful impulse that we need to honour, however. Once we recognise and are aware of this internal conflict, this gives us choice.
“When we learn how to become resilient, we learn how to embrace the beautifully broad spectrum of the human experience.” – Jaeda Dewalt
Here are some practical suggestions to help build resilience and gain control:
• Take little steps
A good place to start is to examine the way we choose to live our lives – eating, sleeping, exercise and habits – and start by making small changes that are within our control. Creating change in our lives gives us agency and enforces the belief that we can make a difference. Start small and be kind to yourself when you experience setbacks. Resilience comes from getting back on the horse each time we fall off.
• Reach out When we share our problems with others it helps to lighten the load and gives us shared strength. Another person can bring a new perspective and help us to feel we’re not facing the problem alone. Find out who are your ‘go to’ people and avoid people who diminish you.
• Thinking it makes it so When we feel the situation is overwhelming, and we cannot see a way out, we’re probably stuck in a negative mindset. Looking for ways to challenge the negative thoughts can create a new perspective. Try challenging the validity of strong thoughts like: “I cannot cope with rejection” or “I won’t survive on my own” by asking yourself: ‘is that a fact or a thought?’, ‘how do I know this is true?’ Remember: thoughts are NOT facts
• Celebrate yourself We seldom take time to congratulate ourselves on how we’ve coped. Look at what you’ve overcome in life, recognise that it took a great deal to get here. Maybe you do struggle, maybe you do feel powerless, but you are here, right now, so celebrate your resilient self. If your mental health has been impacted by the pandemic, please get in touch to hear more about my six-session trauma-informed approach. I’ll be happy to explain more in a short, free consultation.
Leigh Smith is a counsellor, psychotherapist, supervisor and writer.
Contact her at 07886 867002 or email lesleighsmith66@gmail.com.