DO you struggle in conversations to say what you really feel, find yourself agreeing to things you actually disagree with, and work hard to people please, rather than having the courage to speak your own truth? I have been noticing of late how many of my clients struggle to be truly assertive in their relationships, with friends, family, the boss, even strangers. Many of us find ourselves being passive rather than assertive, but what is it that stops us from speaking our mind? What gets in the way of us being able to express our needs and opinions in a strong and healthy way? I struggled to be assertive when I was younger, I was a people pleaser, saying ‘yes’ when I wanted to say ‘no’, and not finding the courage to let myself ask for what I needed. I can recall many times when I have walked away from a conversation feeling that I have pussyfooted around my point, dithered, and caved in. Countless times I have told the enquiring waiter that the overpriced, tasteless and cold food was “all fine, thank you”. Becoming assertive is about recognising that we have true value, we really are worthy, and have a right to our feelings and thoughts. It’s about standing our ground, speaking our mind and being true to ourselves. It isn’t about being aggressive, manipulative, or bullying people into our point of view. One stumbling block to being assertive is found in the fervent need to ‘win’, to come out on top, to be right, and to push others to see things from our point of view. This isn’t being assertive, this desire to get others to agree with us can come from deep rooted insecurities, and be fuelled by a desperate fight to be seen, to exist and be validated. This can be a trauma response, when our boundaries have been ignored and violated, it can feel like a fight to survive, to be seen, agreed with, understood. Being assertive is about conveying your thoughts in a clear and concise manner, whilst still being able to empathise with different perspectives, and respect that not everyone will share your view, and that’s okay. Assertiveness goes hand in hand with confidence and self-worth, and this can be where we find the biggest stumbling block. If we have experienced childhood emotional neglect, abuse or trauma, our sense of self-worth, and confidence can be damaged. It isn’t so easy to speak out and be assertive about our needs when we don’t really feel we deserve to have our needs met.

It takes some practice to communicate assertively, to be clear, bold and honest. These communication skills can be learnt, but first it is worth looking at our core beliefs, the stories we tell ourselves about not being good enough, clever enough, interesting or of value to the world. Addressing these introjected ideas about ourselves isn’t easy, but a counsellor can help us to find out more about the negative baggage which we carry from our past and into our lives, and help make changes to how we view ourselves, and challenge those unhelpful and limiting beliefs. Through my own therapy I learnt that I didn’t need to emotionally disappear and become invisible when those around me had needs. I learnt that I can express my emotions, be vulnerable, ask for what I need, have limits, and simply say ‘No’. We can learn to state our needs in a respectful and kind way, and start to be heard, but first we need to believe we deserve to be listened to, that we have a right to belong, and have our needs met. Achieving this involves accepting and recognising our emotions and feelings, and learning to express them in a healthy way. If we have strong emotions like hurt or fear, we need to be able to recognise and manage these emotions in order to communicate clearly, this involves internally validating the feelings so we are better able to express ourselves externally. In order to be assertive, it helps to be able to know what we are feeling in the middle of encounters. Knowing what we are feeling can be a real challenge if you grew up in an environment that didn’t encourage expressing emotion. It may be that you never learnt to express your emotional needs, or were never encouraged to share your feelings. You may have been taught that your feelings and emotions have no value, and you should bury them deep down. Or maybe there just wasn’t anybody taking the time to notice you, and teach you to value yourself. We may be so far removed from our emotional self that we lose touch altogether with how we are feeling. It might come as a shock to us when we respond to a situation explosively with an unexpected angry outburst, or feel emotionally derailed by the smallest of things. If you recognise yourself here then it is time to know something: your feelings are so valuable, they are there to help motivate you, and help you to communicate your needs, in order to survive, and you have every right to say ‘NO’.

Leigh Smith is a counsellor, psychotherapist, supervisor, EMDR and writer.
Contact her at 07886 867002 or email lesleighsmith66@gmail.com.

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New breakthroughs

THERE’s never been a more interesting time to be involved in the counselling profession. Exciting new breakthroughs await around every corner, I am constantly coming across so many new and valuable theories and models to support me in my work with trauma.
We really are living in interesting times.
A little while ago, whilst in a supervision session, I was introduced to the idea of working therapeutically with ‘parts’, a relatively new theory which offers a way to work with complex trauma. Trauma can present in many different ways and sometimes it presents complexities which can be very difficult to work with therapeutically. When my supervisor spoke to me about parts theory I found myself getting so excited at the thought of a way to break through some of the blocks I had earlier experienced when working with complex trauma.
I love learning new things, especially when those new things feel like they’re so obvious that they’ve been there, staring me in the face all along and I’ve only just seen them for the first time. Since being introduced to parts theory I’ve been working more and more with it in my practice and getting some very interesting and exciting results.
Let me tell you a bit more about PARTS
In the early 1990s Dr. Richard Schwartz was exploring how our different ego states are internalized, and how they sometimes work together in harmony but can also become conflicted in how they support us. This was the beginning of Internal Family Systems therapy.
The core principle of Internal Family Systems therapy is that all of us have a core Self, or Organised Self, that cannot be damaged and is calm, connected and compassionate. As we go through life we have the need to develop less central ego states (Parts) which are originally developed in order to protect us from harm. These parts have good intentions, and work hard to protect us, but over time they can become extreme and overprotective, and this can lead to inner conflict. For example, the part we may have developed when we were abandoned as a child which told us:
“push people away, don’t let them get close, because they will only hurt you when they leave you”
As a child this part may have given us strength and independence, and ways to cope with being alone, but as an adult it may now be causing hostile behaviours in our intimate relationships.
We often do not notice the different parts within us until they become maladapted and start causing us conflict, but it so important to remember that there are no ‘bad parts’, each one was created to protect us from harm. So, before we try to exile these parts, first we need to know how they serve us, and this is where the therapy becomes fascinating.
In my practice one of the things I am finding the most exciting about working with parts is how we can create a dialogue directly with the part, and hear first hand why it is there, ask it what it needs, and negotiate with it to work in harmony with all of the other parts. I am loving how readily my clients are able to access their internal parts and fully connect with them, which can be extremely liberating and powerful.
I am seeing clients creatively negotiate with their parts, using their Organised Self like a conductor to orchestrate harmony, balance and control. This is fascinating to experience, and, when we address parts of the psyche with respect and dignity, they are very responsive and ready to be heard. Sometimes they feel ignored or undervalued, and surprisingly they can still see the client as a very small child who needs their protection. I guess nobody ever explained that their role would be temporary.
Do you recognise some of your own ‘parts’? perhaps this is making sense of some unwanted behaviour that feels out of your control? If so I urge you to find a counsellor who can support some ‘parts’ exploration with you. Perhaps someone trained in Internal Family Systems or IFS.
But if that isn’t possible perhaps you could start to identify that you too have different parts, and maybe get to know them a little, accept that they are trying in their own way to protect you, and maybe as healing occurs, your system will become calmer and you will feel able to respond differently, with some clarity, and show up in the world in ways you had never imagined possible, less reactive, less burdened with shame, in better relationship with others and more compassionate with yourself.

The post Emotional Health appeared first on Reconnect Magazine.

So, who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?
I have been in the counselling profession for nearly two decades, and trained in many approaches, I have seen trends in therapy come and go, and have tried and tested each ‘new kid on the block’, so when the hype about EMDR became deafening I thought I had better check it out. I must say that I felt more than a little sceptical as I read through some of the testimonials which reported fast acting relief from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in a ridiculously short amount of time. I couldn’t help thinking that anything that is a quick fix won’t last, that’s not how counselling works, it takes time, commitment, and sometimes painful processing to reduce the effects of trauma, but was I wrong?
So, I looked more closely to find out what the EMDR fuss was all about?
I decided that I needed to enrol on some training to find out more, and experience it for myself. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, and was developed by Francine Shapiro in 1987. It is a well researched, and very structured Psychotherapy, which involves working with memories, body sensations, core-self beliefs, and emotions to eliminate the emotional, physiological, and cognitive remnants of painful past experiences. It targets trauma, both the life threatening big ‘T’ traumas and little ‘t’ traumas too. It’s recognised by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) and the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a treatment for PTSD. EMDR is strongly structured and scripted, and the client is taken through eight phases of protocol, which include taking a client history, preparation, resourcing, processing, and installing the positive effects of the therapy. My first impressions were that it has a rather clinical feel to it, and less exploration and discussion to my normal way of working. I didn’t initially warm to this, so it wasn’t a surprise that my EMDR teacher had to encourage me in the training to “get out of the way” and stick to the protocols, letting the process work on its own, without my desire to tweak it or make it more ‘Leigh like’. After being persuaded to put my ego in a box, I was quite happy to accept that EMDR was indeed a valuable tool and one which has a place in the world of trauma therapy, but maybe not for me, until I experienced it directly for myself in a training practice session which blew my mind. We were encouraged to work on real issues in our training, but to find ones which felt safe, and so I chose an old and well processed memory from my childhood, I felt comfortable in the knowledge that I had thoroughly worked through this issue so many times that it held nothing new for me, but I was so very wrong. The simple technique involves a process known as desensitization, you start with a memory of a traumatic or painful event, and find the negative belief which you have formed about this event, then you follow the therapists hand movements from side to side back and forth with your eyes, and pause occasionally to ‘report’ what you are experiencing. I was amazed as I reported back to my therapist what I was experiencing, and then powerful and transformative processing just took over, and my mind started to fill in the gaps and provided me with the insights into this event that I had never experienced before. I was a bundle of snot and tears as I whole heartedly accepted the healing which was 45 years overdue, and dissolved a negative belief which had haunted me for most of my life. Before we began the processing, we had scored the intensity of this painful memory, and once processed we scored it again, and I can honestly say the pain was gone, completely, and it has not returned. I was baffled by the simplicity of the process and how it took me into a place in my mind that activated all that I needed to completely reprocess this event. So, how does it work? Well, this is one reason why EMDR is still controversial, because there is no exact and scientific explanation as to how it works. EMDR therapy is based on the adaptive information processing (AIP) model, which tells us that, our minds are just like our bodies, and when they are damaged they have a natural capacity to heal. Sometimes if an event is extremely stressful or traumatic it can overwhelm the brain and create an obstacle to healing, just like a splinter left in a wound. This can stop the event from being fully processed and adapted into a past event – a story – just something that happened, and lead to original and traumatic perceptions being stored without any adaptions or modifications – unprocessed. EMDR processes the stuck event, removing the powerful emotions associated with the memory and naturally processing the memory into an adapted resolution. So here I am now, using EMDR on the majority of my clients, as trauma seems to be present in so much of the issues that people present to me. I am wholeheartedly embracing this approach and I am seeing fantastic results in most of my clients, who like me, are often blown away by the immediacy and power of the transformation. One client told me after her therapy had ended: “The only negative thing I am left with, is the years of pain and anguish that I’ve suffered, it could have been removed so simply, I didn’t have to suffer for so long, that’s a hard one to deal with.” If you’re looking for an EMDR therapist, I recommend checking the EMDR Europe website to ensure the therapist is certified (ideally), or minimally, was trained by an approved EMDR training provider. To find a therapist near you, you can also visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory

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“This is too painful, I can’t cope” and “when will this end?”
I often hear such heartwrenching comments from clients who feel unable to go on. The feeling of not being able to cope in the face of adversity is a common one. Most of us, at some point in our lives, will feel totally beaten by the world. How we move out of this place and bring our lives back on track differs from person to person. Some manage to bounce back more readily than others. Some even learn and gain strength from the struggle.

“No one escapes pain, fear, and suffering. Yet from pain can come wisdom, from fear can come courage, from suffering can come strength – if we have the virtue of resilience.” – Eric Greitens
The vital ingredient is resilience. Having resilience doesn’t make the problems go away, but it can help you adapt so you can cope and keep functioning. When we lack resilience it can drive us to adopt unhealthy and destructive coping strategies. We may see ourselves as victims. Many times I find myself agreeing with clients that “it’s not fair”. We don’t all have the same chances in life to feel supported and cherished, we haven’t all been encouraged to see obstacles as challenges to overcome, and we don’t all feel the inner security of knowing that we can cope. I believe resilience is the inner voice that says: ‘keep going, don’t give up, I believe in you’ I hear myself repeating this to clients often and holding the belief for them until a time when they can embody it for themselves. So much of the psychological pain we feel comes from resisting emotions that we believe could destroy us. The irony is that this takes more effort than simply allowing ourselves to contact our pain, and ‘be with’ that which we fear. This need to resist is a powerful impulse that we need to honour, however. Once we recognise and are aware of this internal conflict, this gives us choice.

“When we learn how to become resilient, we learn how to embrace the beautifully broad spectrum of the human experience.” – Jaeda Dewalt
Here are some practical suggestions to help build resilience and gain control:

• Take little steps
A good place to start is to examine the way we choose to live our lives – eating, sleeping, exercise and habits – and start by making small changes that are within our control. Creating change in our lives gives us agency and enforces the belief that we can make a difference. Start small and be kind to yourself when you experience setbacks. Resilience comes from getting back on the horse each time we fall off.

• Reach out When we share our problems with others it helps to lighten the load and gives us shared strength. Another person can bring a new perspective and help us to feel we’re not facing the problem alone. Find out who are your ‘go to’ people and avoid people who diminish you.

• Thinking it makes it so When we feel the situation is overwhelming, and we cannot see a way out, we’re probably stuck in a negative mindset. Looking for ways to challenge the negative thoughts can create a new perspective. Try challenging the validity of strong thoughts like: “I cannot cope with rejection” or “I won’t survive on my own” by asking yourself: ‘is that a fact or a thought?’, ‘how do I know this is true?’ Remember: thoughts are NOT facts

• Celebrate yourself We seldom take time to congratulate ourselves on how we’ve coped. Look at what you’ve overcome in life, recognise that it took a great deal to get here. Maybe you do struggle, maybe you do feel powerless, but you are here, right now, so celebrate your resilient self. If your mental health has been impacted by the pandemic, please get in touch to hear more about my six-session trauma-informed approach. I’ll be happy to explain more in a short, free consultation.

Leigh Smith is a counsellor, psychotherapist, supervisor and writer.
Contact her at 07886 867002 or email lesleighsmith66@gmail.com.

The post Build resilience and gain control appeared first on Reconnect Magazine.

BY the time this article is published and read, we will hopefully be feeling more secure in the idea of re-emerging back into a more socially active society. If the road map is keeping us on track we will be experiencing positive societal changes which will herald the end of the tight grip hold of the pandemic. As I poke my head out from the Zoom cave, and open up my counselling cabin to clients, I feel like a tentative deer, eyes wide, ears scanning, searching for threat and asking myself…..

Did that really happen? Yes, it did, and the impact of the pandemic on our mental health is huge. A recent personality study carried out by YouGov gives us some idea of the scale of the impact, with more than 50% of Britons stating that their mental health has deteriorated as a result of coronavirus, and 14% of these said the impact has been very negative. Only 30% say that their mental health has not been impacted, and 8% actually have felt an improved psychological state. The data that tells us those effected the most negatively are aged between 25 – 39 year olds. Two thirds of Britons expressed feeling anxious at least several times a month since March 2020. Within relationships 11% of people have become more distant, however 33% say that the pandemic has brought them closer! The ruptures created in our individual and collective mental health are huge – we find ourselves in new territory, adapting as the situation unfolds, and the road ahead reveals itself. In the midst of such uncertainty we search for the tools we need to ease ourselves back into society, and the wisdom to support ourselves and each other. Right on cue, and when needed most, is an emergence of new scientific knowledge, which has been filtering through into the mainstream of the counselling arena. Quietly, in the background of the pandemic, there has been an unfolding of a therapeutic approach which will support us in the mental health crisis we now face. Before the virus arrived, there was a timely explosion of interest into the discoveries within the field of trauma. Thanks primarily to the work of Stephen Porges and his discovery of the Polyvagal Theory, along with a host of experts, the world of trauma has been transformed and we now have the insights and the skills to use trauma informed therapeutic approaches to support those whose mental health has been impacted negatively by the pandemic As we move into a time of great healing, hope, and engagement, many therapist are bringing this new knowledge into their practice. Dr. Porges identified a second defence strategy within the autonomic nervous system, and brought awareness to the importance of our social engagement system, regulation and neuroception. Like many counsellors, I have incorporated this fascinating understanding of trauma into my approach, and devised a way of working with clients which can support healthy nervous system responses, regulation and social engagement. I have been getting excellent results with this new trauma informed approach, and seeing positive results in as little as three sessions. I am so excited to be able to offer something new and valuable to my clients, and so grateful to the work done by these brilliant physicians, scientists, neurologists, psychiatrists and counsellors who have dedicated so much of themselves to provide the world with the knowledge and skills we need to make a powerful and positive contribution to mental health.v

If your mental health has been impacted by the pandemic, please get in touch to hear more about the six session trauma informed approach. I will be happy to explain more in a short, free, consultation.

Leigh Smith is a counsellor, psychotherapist, supervisor and writer.
Contact her at 07886 867002 or email lesleighsmith66@gmail.com.

The post Positive psychological wellbeing appeared first on Reconnect Magazine.

I write this column on the first frosty morning of the year, so it’s easy to start to get that Christmasy feeling. It is the day before we go into lockdown number two, and my thoughts of Christmas preparations are crowded out by the idea that we face the possibility of spending Christmas in lockdown, and this is unsettling. My thoughts turn to family, the people I sometimes only see at Christmas, and I feel a dread that I won’t get to visit my northern tribe. My heart feels heavy and I start to question the logic of the lockdown, I, like so many of us, are Covid weary, and the last thing I want to do is buy Christmas cards!
I can’t bear the thought of not spending the Christmas holiday with the people I love.
I hear people saying that ‘there is no way the government will keep us in lockdown over Christmas’, and hearing this gives me pause for thought. Why is this so important to us?
Why do we feel that spending time with loved ones should be prioritised over staying away and staying safe? Keeping our distance at Christmas, when we should be gathering together, feasting and celebrating feels like we are being punished.
The answer to this goes right back to our ancestral roots, drawing our loved ones close during the dark and cold winter, when food was scarce, would have been essential to our survival. We needed to be close to each other for protection, support and survival. We needed to share little gifts in order to secure future relationships, and cement tribal bonds.
Doing Christmas at a distance goes against our natural instincts to draw family close around us, to nourish and protect them. But in order to keep our loved ones safe this is now what we have to do. It is counter intuitive but we can show care and love by keeping our distance, even if our desire is to reach out and give a big Christmas hug to our lovelies, it may be more loving to resist the urge.
Easier said than done, the internal conflict is palpable, we have all felt it, that moment when our hearts fill up and even the non huggers amongst us want to express our love with a hug, but the internal voice says ‘no’ don’t do it. What makes it even harder is that we generally feel we are safer around family members than strangers. Again, this sense of safety within our own clan goes back to prehistory, when outsiders brought danger, threats and sometimes disease.

A recent study conducted by the National Institutes of Health showed that there a significant chance of catching Covid-19 from an infected member of the same household (and that newly infected person may then, of course, pass it on to someone else in the family). Surely any action that might threaten our own lives, and those of our kin, should outweigh all those evolved instincts?
So, let us show we really care this Christmas, find ways of expressing our longing to hold and be held with words and gestures.
“I want to hug you so much, but because you mean so much to me I am resisting, it isn’t easy, and I want you to know that your health means more to me than a hug, I want you to be safe.”
Family is important, these special relationships can, and will endure, we are all learning to be adaptable, and find creative ways to be connected. Studies show us that friendships tend to weaken over time without regular contact, but most family bonds remain strong, even after prolonged absences.
Christmas is a time to show you care, it is a time to offer gifts of love and show gratitude to those who matter to you, so, let’s really go for it this year. If I have learnt anything during this pandemic it is that this life is not a rehearsal, and we mustn’t take it, or those who we love, for granted.
So I am off to get some cards before the lockdown starts, and this year I will spend longer than usual writing them, and search for the words that say ‘I care’. I wish you a very loving and caring Christmas.

Leigh Smith is a counsellor, psychotherapist, supervisor and writer. Contact her at 07886 867002 or email lesleighsmith66@gmail.com.

The post Having a caring Christmas appeared first on Reconnect Magazine.

I think Sherlock Holmes may well have hit the nail on the head! When looking for answers to our ailments, we may well find what we are searching for embedded deep in the oldest understanding of medicine.
As early as 460 B.C. Hippocrates and Galen taught us that the four elements, or ‘humors’ of air, water, fire, and earth, each had a direct relationship and effect on our mind and bodies. And although medical science has come a long way since these rudimentary beginnings, it is still widely believed that the natural elements contain potentially health enhancing benefits.

So how can Air, Water, Fire and Earth, play a part in my emotional well-being?
If you think of each of the elements as separate ingredients, each one bringing a vital aspect of the meal, and all four contributing in different ways to create a well balanced and nutritious banquet. When you look at the spread of food laid out before you you might well notice that there is too much of one elements, and a lack of another, thus the meal lacks harmony, and something feels out of kilter, until a balance is created.
Now think of your own connection and personal relationship to each of these elements, and consider: which do you absorb in abundance, and which do you lack. Each element has something to offer, a way to enhance our wellbeing, and can provide us with therapeutic benefits in the most simplistic of ways.

Air
When I consider the therapeutic effects of the lack of air, I see pollution and constricted breathing, I see a heavily burdened chest, weighed down with despair. Embracing this element encourages us to focus on effective breathing, to resource ourselves with clean, fresh air, and to utilise focused breath work (pranayama in yoga) to reduce anxiety and stress. There are some very simple mindful breathing techniques which can greatly enhance our day to day ability to regulate our nervous system and become centred and calm.

Fire
A lack of fire in my life results in lethargy, an unfocused, pointless and passionless existence. Bringing the element of fire makes me consider the power of the Native American sweat lodge, I recall casting many despairs, and long held grief into the fire pit, the heat of the steaming stones cleansing my heart and soul as Carlos would share prayers to the ancestors, and I would emerge feeling reborn and unburdened.
The positive effects of a sunny day on mood is tangible, and recently the sunshine throughout lockdown helped massively to stave off the dark moods and made the situation more bearable.

Water
When I imagine removing this element from my life I realise how much I take for granted living so close to the river Dart. The Dart snakes around me at home and at work, I travel along side her as I journey around doing my day to day chores. The serotonin boosting negative ions effecting my wellbeing, and the background sound of water against stone is a constant backing track to my days.
Water is fundamental to our physical health, and results from experiments to monitor the effects of dehydration, report that along with the physical symptoms such as headaches, dehydration was also found to produce a degradation in mood.

Earth
Time spent in nature, connecting to the earth beneath our feet, forest bathing, and becoming aware of our natural environment, are all so rich with therapeutic benefit. During lockdown I was lucky enough to be able to spend time walking the lanes and exploring the local hedgerows, and I believe that focusing on the life in the hedges helped me to maintain a good balance of mental health. When I feel I am becoming anxious I sit or stand with my feet firmly on the ground, and allow myself to reconnect, sending roots down into the earth and anchoring to the very core. If I lack energy I can draw resources from deep in the earth’s core.
The therapeutic possibilities of working with the natural elements are endless, free, and readily available.
So perhaps it’s time to get your elemental fix, whether that be squeezing clay between your fingers, wiggling your toes in the freezing river, lighting an autumn fire, or filling your lungs with pure, fresh air…. Enjoy.

Leigh Smith is director of studies, course designer and tutor at Heartwood Centre for Counselling and Psychotherapy Training. Visit www.heartwoodcounselling.org or call 01803 865464.

The post “It’s elemental my dear Watson” appeared first on Reconnect Magazine.

WITH the festive season it can be so tempting to reach for a glass of the strong stuff, to help us cope with the demands of the season and to join in with the celebrations. Alcohol is a huge part of our society and culture and plays a big part in how we socialise. This time of year can be a real challenge on our emotional health, with all of the added financial, family, social and work demands on us it’s no surprise we need to find the ‘off switch’ at times. Up and down the country we will be treated to festive markets selling mulled wine and delicious spiced ciders, tempting us to reduce our stress, join the fun, and spend more than we can actually afford. This is the time of year when alcohol consumption is at its highest, and socialising and partying are the expected norms. So what’s wrong with a little tipple at Christmas time? Surely that can’t be so bad? And I know that I will be treating myself to a festive bottle of Baileys this year. Alcohol in moderation isn’t a concern, not if we manage our alcohol consumption in a healthy way, and the drink is not masking an issue which warrants more serious attention. There are many reasons for an increase in our drinking during this time of year, and some which we might not be conscious of. We may be using alcohol as a mood enhancer, a strategy for managing difficult life situations. We may be drinking more to ‘get in the spirit’ and join in with the fun, not wanting to be a ‘Bah Humbug’. Some of these reasons for drinking may be masking underlying emotional health issues, like low self esteem, depression, anxiety, loneliness or social insecurities, and in these cases alcohol may be an unhealthy sticking plaster which masks a deep lying emotional health issue. So what might seem like a good solution to a challenging event, could be negatively effecting our brain’s ability to stay emotionally healthy.

Make mine a brain cocktail
Our brains are intricate organs and rely on a measured cocktail of chemicals and neurotransmitters. When we drink alcohol we alter this balance, which can then have adverse affects and consequences on the way we think, our mood, and our behaviour. Using drink to improve our mood or mask depression can cause a decline in our emotional health and worsen existing mental health conditions. Consuming alcohol on a regular basis changes the chemical make up of our brain and can decrease the level of serotonin, a chemical which helps to regulate mood. Alcohol can ‘numb’ our emotions, making us more able to cope with our strong emotions by depressing our central nervous system, which might be helpful in the short term but creates further issues down the line. We can get caught up in a catch 22 situation, using alcohol to cope with difficult mental health issues, and then needing more when the situation is worsened. And it’s not just depression which is negatively affected by alcohol, people who suffer from anxiety issues may think that a pint or three will help them to relax, but actually this can make the anxiety worse. Drinking can create tunnel vision, we can miss out on the whole story and hone in on the one thing which could be potentially threatening, ignoring all the other information surrounding it, and badly misreading a situation. For example, misinterpreting the glance in your direction from a stranger, leading to heightened anxiety and angry outbursts. The more we drink to manage our anxiety the more the brain struggles to regulate our mood, and this can lead to aggression, anxiety and depression, making us prone to violent outbursts and vulnerability. I look forward to enjoying a drink over Christmas, and know that it’s quite likely that (in the company of my bestie) I will probably, like a lot of us, have a bit too much at some point. All good messy fun, but let’s not miss a great chance to support our emotional health by allowing a bit of reflection into our behaviour. A good question to ask is: “could I manage this social situation without a drink?” If the honest answer is no, then perhaps we are leaning on drink to support us a bit too much and it could be time to support our needs and be curious about what might be going unaddressed in our emotional health. Perhaps your biggest Christmas gift this year could be to give yourself the chance to exercise some choice over your life, and choose healthy strategies.

There is help out there for people affected by alcohol:
Drinkaware is an independent charity working to reduce alcohol misuse and harm in the UK. There are AA groups up and down the country, and Al Anon can support you if you have family or friends who are struggling with alcohol 0800 0086811. Alateen supports children between12- 17yrs old who have a friend or family struggling with alcohol 02075 932070. Wishing you all a very merry and emotionally healthy Christmas and New Year.

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E LLIE has been a much loved and cherished member of our family for eleven years now. She joined us when my youngest daughter was only 4 years old, and now the bond between them is unbreakable. Ellie is a black Labrador with a heart of gold, who knows instinctively when you need a cuddle or a paw to hold. We have often joked that she can read minds as she seems to understand what we are thinking and feeling and just what to do to lighten the mood and make us smile. Ellie loves us all unconditionally, she doesn’t judge, pick sides, never says no to a cuddle, and has an insatiable appetite for being stroked. I can guarantee that if my mood is low she will plonk her head on my lap and stare at me with those big brown eyes that seem to say: “don’t worry, I love you” Ellie really is a special girl, but she isn’t unique in her ability to cheer up even the gloomiest teenager, and relax the overworked adults. A growing body of scientific research is showing that our pets can actually be making us healthier, reducing our stress levels and promoting the production of happy hormones that lift our mood and improve our mental health. It’s not just that stroking our furry friends can give us a warm fuzzy feeling, there is real science behind this feel good factor. The use of pets in medical settings actually dates back over a hundred years, as long ago as 1860. Florence Nightingale commented that: “a small pet is often an excellent companion for the sick, for long chronic cases especially.” But it was only in the late 1970s that researchers started to uncover the scientific underpinnings for that bond. Research shows that people who interact with animals experience a boost in levels of oxytocin, the hormone that promotes love and trust and is linked to reduced blood pressure and heart rate. Oxytocin has some powerful effects for us in the body’s ability to be in a state of readiness to heal, and also to grow new cells, so it predisposes us to an environment in our own bodies where we can be healthier. Making physical contact with an animal is, in itself, a rewarding experience which eases the mind and body; the contact generates a kind of looped system in which all participants share mutual benefits. One of the earliest studies, published in 1980, found that heart attack patients who owned pets lived longer than those who didn’t. Another early study found that petting one’s own dog could reduce blood pressure. Animals are used widely in therapy to varying degrees, known as Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT), and can include dogs, cats, horses, even birds and fish. Animals are used in hospitals to help with a variety of conditions, including stroke dogs, who are employed to help regulate the heart rate of patients after heart surgery. Therapists working with abused children will employ the calming and reassuring presence of a dog in the therapy room to help the child talk about their experiences with reduced anxiety. The positive effects of AAT are mostly attributed to “contact comfort,” a process which involves touch, where unconditional attachment bonds are formed between animals and humans, inducing relaxation by reducing cardiovascular reactivity to stress. “Owning a pet gives you a sense of purpose and belonging that can increase feelings of positivity and lower stress levels, all of which translates to health benefits,” says Allen McConnell, PhD, a psychology professor at Miami University who studies human-pet interaction. In some cases, animals can provide a much-needed confidant, a listening ear that won’t judge, give advice, or tell you how “that’s not as bad as my situation!” Some people really struggle to confide in others, and forming friendships and close relationships can be a real challenge, and in these cases talking to a pet can be the ideal way of getting it ‘off your chest’. Ellie knows all my daughter’s secrets, certainly more than me, and she’s not telling a soul! Even prisons are using the therapeutic power of pets to help inmates learn how to forge loving bonds, and develop ways to show affection, love and care, encouraging long-term changes in attitudes and behaviour. For some this is the first time they have given and received unconditional love. As a family, we all have a lot of love for Ellie, who has been a constant friend and source of support for my youngest, a jogging companion for my husband, and a source of comfort for me. Arriving back at the end of a long day, tired and drained, and being greeted with such love and absolute adoration by Ellie is just the medicine I need to remind me I am loved and home.

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L ET me start by stating, for the record, I do not claim to be an expert in relationships. I have both healthy and unhealthy relationships in my life. As far as the healthy relationships are concerned, I am one of life’s perpetual students, could do better, must try harder! Let’s face it, creating and maintaining healthy relationships is just not easy! Yet it is almost impossible to go through life without them. They are a fundamental ingredient in our emotional wellbeing. Daniel Goleman tells us: “When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands.” At times relationships can be toxic, and the source of much pain, confusion and sadness. Some relationships may have ended badly and left deep scars that will always be a source of pain. It can be hard to know when we are caught up in a toxic relationship, we can be so embroiled in trying to make it work that we don’t realise how much damage it is causing us. Getting out of a toxic relationship can be a real challenge, especially if our self esteem is low. There can be so much holding us back, so many reasons why we put up with something unhealthy, a fear of ending, or moving on from something we’re invested in. Looking back on your own relationships how would you rate them? Perhaps when you look back you see a trail of damage, resentment, anger and unfinished business, but don’t despair! no matter what your relationship history looks like, we can always learn how to build emotionally healthy relationships in our future. And there’s no time like the present to give our current relationships a bit of an MOT.

So, what constitutes a healthy relationship? Take a moment to think about somebody you are currently in relationship with, make it somebody that’s really important to you, a relationship that really matters.

Ask yourself: How real am I in this relationship?
Often in relationships we wear a mask, it hides the bits that we fear would not be acceptable if revealed. How ‘YOU’ are you with this person? How much of the ‘real’ you have they seen? Putting on this ‘mask’ may seem like a good idea, but keeping it in place can become exhausting and lead to resentment and insecurity. If this person doesn’t know the ‘real’ you there may be a feeling of incongruence, the relationship may feel false or performic. So maybe it’s time to test the water, let a little of your true self show. If your partner doesn’t like it then it’s best to find out sooner than later.

Does this relationship feed me?
Relationships are opportunities to grow, be challenged, and connect to another in a way which nourishes our mind, body and soul. Ask yourself if this person is connecting with you on all levels, and whether this is ok for you. Remember you are in control of how you connect to others, and how much of yourself you offer. Trust yourself to know what is right for you, and respect your own boundaries.

Am I taking responsibility for me?
Responsibility taking is a big part of being in a healthy relationship, blaming and shaming are ingredients of a toxic relationship. So perhaps you could own up when you make a mistake, apologize when you’ve gotten it wrong, be open to hearing what might be in your blind spot. But look out for the flipside of responsibility too, are you taking on board your partners issues, turning a blind eye to behaviour which is just not acceptable? Taking responsibility sometimes means making our boundaries clear and knowing when to say “no”.

Does this relationship feel balanced?
Only you can know if the balance feels right, are you feeling over stretched, put upon, or like you are carrying guilt around not being good enough, present enough, giving enough?

Communication is key
As with so many things, communication is key, there is no perfect formulae for getting it right, and the only way to know what’s right for both of you is to find a way to communicate in a healthy way. Expecting your partner to be a mind reader and ‘just know what you need’ is setting yourself up for potential self-sabotage. And it’s not just about talking, listening to what your partner has to say is so important, both listening and really hearing them will build trust and feelings of respect. Paying attention to the good stuff as well as the bad, and openly acknowledging what you appreciate in your partner may sound obvious, but don’t underestimate the therapeutic value of gratitude. Feeling valued for who we are is an emotional health tonic, and one which we could all benefit from.

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