WELCOME back to our exploration into all things emotional. In this edition our Emotional Health columnist Leigh Smith, helps us to understand the conflicts we face around caring this Christmas.
I write this column on the first frosty morning of the year, so it’s easy to start to get that Christmasy feeling. It is the day before we go into lockdown number two, and my thoughts of Christmas preparations are crowded out by the idea that we face the possibility of spending Christmas in lockdown, and this is unsettling. My thoughts turn to family, the people I sometimes only see at Christmas, and I feel a dread that I won’t get to visit my northern tribe. My heart feels heavy and I start to question the logic of the lockdown, I, like so many of us, are Covid weary, and the last thing I want to do is buy Christmas cards!
I can’t bear the thought of not spending the Christmas holiday with the people I love.
I hear people saying that ‘there is no way the government will keep us in lockdown over Christmas’, and hearing this gives me pause for thought. Why is this so important to us?
Why do we feel that spending time with loved ones should be prioritised over staying away and staying safe? Keeping our distance at Christmas, when we should be gathering together, feasting and celebrating feels like we are being punished.
The answer to this goes right back to our ancestral roots, drawing our loved ones close during the dark and cold winter, when food was scarce, would have been essential to our survival. We needed to be close to each other for protection, support and survival. We needed to share little gifts in order to secure future relationships, and cement tribal bonds.
Doing Christmas at a distance goes against our natural instincts to draw family close around us, to nourish and protect them. But in order to keep our loved ones safe this is now what we have to do. It is counter intuitive but we can show care and love by keeping our distance, even if our desire is to reach out and give a big Christmas hug to our lovelies, it may be more loving to resist the urge.
Easier said than done, the internal conflict is palpable, we have all felt it, that moment when our hearts fill up and even the non huggers amongst us want to express our love with a hug, but the internal voice says ‘no’ don’t do it. What makes it even harder is that we generally feel we are safer around family members than strangers. Again, this sense of safety within our own clan goes back to prehistory, when outsiders brought danger, threats and sometimes disease.
A recent study conducted by the National Institutes of Health showed that there a significant chance of catching Covid-19 from an infected member of the same household (and that newly infected person may then, of course, pass it on to someone else in the family). Surely any action that might threaten our own lives, and those of our kin, should outweigh all those evolved instincts?
So, let us show we really care this Christmas, find ways of expressing our longing to hold and be held with words and gestures.
“I want to hug you so much, but because you mean so much to me I am resisting, it isn’t easy, and I want you to know that your health means more to me than a hug, I want you to be safe.”
Family is important, these special relationships can, and will endure, we are all learning to be adaptable, and find creative ways to be connected. Studies show us that friendships tend to weaken over time without regular contact, but most family bonds remain strong, even after prolonged absences.
Christmas is a time to show you care, it is a time to offer gifts of love and show gratitude to those who matter to you, so, let’s really go for it this year. If I have learnt anything during this pandemic it is that this life is not a rehearsal, and we mustn’t take it, or those who we love, for granted.
So I am off to get some cards before the lockdown starts, and this year I will spend longer than usual writing them, and search for the words that say ‘I care’. I wish you a very loving and caring Christmas.
Leigh Smith is a counsellor, psychotherapist, supervisor and writer. Contact her at 07886 867002 or email lesleighsmith66@gmail.com.