WELCOME back to our exploration into all things emotional. In this edition our Emotional Health columnist LEIGH SMITH, explores the obstacles to being assertive, and what stops us from saying what we really feel.
DO you struggle in conversations to say what you really feel, find yourself agreeing to things you actually disagree with, and work hard to people please, rather than having the courage to speak your own truth? I have been noticing of late how many of my clients struggle to be truly assertive in their relationships, with friends, family, the boss, even strangers. Many of us find ourselves being passive rather than assertive, but what is it that stops us from speaking our mind? What gets in the way of us being able to express our needs and opinions in a strong and healthy way? I struggled to be assertive when I was younger, I was a people pleaser, saying ‘yes’ when I wanted to say ‘no’, and not finding the courage to let myself ask for what I needed. I can recall many times when I have walked away from a conversation feeling that I have pussyfooted around my point, dithered, and caved in. Countless times I have told the enquiring waiter that the overpriced, tasteless and cold food was “all fine, thank you”. Becoming assertive is about recognising that we have true value, we really are worthy, and have a right to our feelings and thoughts. It’s about standing our ground, speaking our mind and being true to ourselves. It isn’t about being aggressive, manipulative, or bullying people into our point of view. One stumbling block to being assertive is found in the fervent need to ‘win’, to come out on top, to be right, and to push others to see things from our point of view. This isn’t being assertive, this desire to get others to agree with us can come from deep rooted insecurities, and be fuelled by a desperate fight to be seen, to exist and be validated. This can be a trauma response, when our boundaries have been ignored and violated, it can feel like a fight to survive, to be seen, agreed with, understood. Being assertive is about conveying your thoughts in a clear and concise manner, whilst still being able to empathise with different perspectives, and respect that not everyone will share your view, and that’s okay. Assertiveness goes hand in hand with confidence and self-worth, and this can be where we find the biggest stumbling block. If we have experienced childhood emotional neglect, abuse or trauma, our sense of self-worth, and confidence can be damaged. It isn’t so easy to speak out and be assertive about our needs when we don’t really feel we deserve to have our needs met.
It takes some practice to communicate assertively, to be clear, bold and honest. These communication skills can be learnt, but first it is worth looking at our core beliefs, the stories we tell ourselves about not being good enough, clever enough, interesting or of value to the world. Addressing these introjected ideas about ourselves isn’t easy, but a counsellor can help us to find out more about the negative baggage which we carry from our past and into our lives, and help make changes to how we view ourselves, and challenge those unhelpful and limiting beliefs. Through my own therapy I learnt that I didn’t need to emotionally disappear and become invisible when those around me had needs. I learnt that I can express my emotions, be vulnerable, ask for what I need, have limits, and simply say ‘No’. We can learn to state our needs in a respectful and kind way, and start to be heard, but first we need to believe we deserve to be listened to, that we have a right to belong, and have our needs met. Achieving this involves accepting and recognising our emotions and feelings, and learning to express them in a healthy way. If we have strong emotions like hurt or fear, we need to be able to recognise and manage these emotions in order to communicate clearly, this involves internally validating the feelings so we are better able to express ourselves externally. In order to be assertive, it helps to be able to know what we are feeling in the middle of encounters. Knowing what we are feeling can be a real challenge if you grew up in an environment that didn’t encourage expressing emotion. It may be that you never learnt to express your emotional needs, or were never encouraged to share your feelings. You may have been taught that your feelings and emotions have no value, and you should bury them deep down. Or maybe there just wasn’t anybody taking the time to notice you, and teach you to value yourself. We may be so far removed from our emotional self that we lose touch altogether with how we are feeling. It might come as a shock to us when we respond to a situation explosively with an unexpected angry outburst, or feel emotionally derailed by the smallest of things. If you recognise yourself here then it is time to know something: your feelings are so valuable, they are there to help motivate you, and help you to communicate your needs, in order to survive, and you have every right to say ‘NO’.
Leigh Smith is a counsellor, psychotherapist, supervisor, EMDR and writer.
Contact her at 07886 867002 or email lesleighsmith66@gmail.com.